Twisted Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard

Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you Dumb Ass"